Wedding ceremony: ten funny readings

Adding humour into your ceremony helps add to its uniqueness. It can reflect you as a couple and ensure that your guests know that this is truly yours. There are a number of ways including humourous vows.

Readings are as unique as you are.

I do love some of these funny readings, the first of which was chosen by gorgeous Lisa & Gary during their ceremony. They are such a fun couple who laugh often and have fun nicknames for each other too.

I want to (Anon)

I want to make you smile,

Wherenever you’re sad.

Carry you around when your arthritis is bad.

All I want to do,

Is grow old with you.

I’ll get you medicine,

When your tummy aches.

Build you a fire if the furnace breaks.

Oh it could be so nice,

Growing old with you.

I’ll miss you, kiss you,

Give you my coat when you are cold.

Need you, feed you.

Even let you hold the remote control.

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink.

Put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink.

Oh I could be the man,

Who grows old with you.

I want to grow old with you.

Yes, I'll marry you (Pam Ayres)

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,

And here’s the reason why;

So I can push you out of bed

When the baby starts to cry,

And if we hear a knocking

And it’s creepy and it’s late,

I hand you the torch, you see,

And you investigate.

Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,

You may not apprehend it,

But when the tumble-drier goes

It’s you that has to mend it,

You have to face the neighbour

Should our labrador attack him,

And if a drunkard fondles me

It’s you that has to whack him.

Yes, I’ll marry you,

You’re virile and you’re lean,

My house is like a pigsty

You can help to keep it clean.

That sexy little dinner

Which you served by candlelight,

As I do chipolatas,

You can cook it every night!

It’s you who has to work the drill

and put up curtain track,

And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,

I do see great advantages,

But none of them for you,

And so before you see the light,

I do, I do, I do!

A perfect marriage (Anon)

He never leaves the seat up

Or wet towels upon the floor

The toothpaste has the lid on

And he always shuts the door!

She’s very clean and tidy

Though she may sometimes delude

Leave your things out at your peril

In a second they’ll have moved!

He’s a very active person

As are all his next of kin

Whereas she likes lazy days

He’ll still drag her to the gym!

He romances her and dines her

Home cooked dinners and the like

He even knows her favourite food

And spoils her day and night!

She’s thoughtful when he looks at her

A smile upon his face

Will he look that good in 50 years

When his dentures aren’t in place?!

He says he loves her figure

And her mental prowess too

But when gravity takes her over

Will she charm with her IQ?

She says she loves his kindness

And his patience is a must

And of course she thinks he’s handsome

Which in her eyes is a plus!

They’re both not wholly perfect

But who are we to judge

He can be pig headed

Whereas she won’t even budge!

All that said and done

They love the time they spent together

And I hope as I’m sure you do

That this fine day will last forever.

He’ll be more than just her husband

He’ll also be her friend

And she’ll be more than just his wife

She’s be his soul mate - till the end.

Marriage is (Anon)

Marriage is about giving and taking

And forging and forsaking

Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving

Caring and sharing and screaming and swearing

About being together whatever the weather

About being driven to the end of your tether

About sweetness and kindness

And wisdom and blindness

It's about being strong when you're feeling quite weak

It's about saying nothing when you're dying to speak

It's about being wrong when you know you are right

It's about giving in, before there's a fight

It's about you two living as cheaply as one

(you can give us a call if you know how that's done!)

Never heeding advice that was always well meant

Never counting the cost until it's all spent

And for you two today it's about to begin

And for all that the two of you had to put in

Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness

Too late you'll discover that marriage is madness.

I'll be there (Anon)

I'll be there my darling, through thick and through thin

When your mind's in a mess and your head's in a spin

When your plane's been delayed, and you've missed the last train.

When life is just threatening to drive you insane

When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page

When somebody tells you, you're looking your age

When your coffee's too cool, and your wine is too warm

When the forecast said "Fine", but you're out in a storm

When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum

And your holiday photos show only your thumb

When you park for five minutes in a resident's bay

And return to discover you've been towed away

When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste

Just stick on your hips and don't reach round your waist

When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes

When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes

So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear...

When you break a rule, when you act the fool

When you've got the flu, when you're in a stew

When you're last in the queue, don't feel blue

'cause I'm telling you, I'll be there.

Love Monkey

by Edward Monkton

It was once custom that every monkey would carve for himself a wooden heart. And the heart that love monkey carved was the most beautiful of all. Its contours were soft and rounded, like an ancient pebble sculpted by the oceans. Its surface was smooth and shiny like liquid silk, and it shone as bright as a ruby in the desert sun. “Take your hearts with you wherever you go,” said their teacher. “Nurture them as a mother nurtures her new-born baby. For when you want to give of yourself fully, your heart is the only true gift you will have.”

That night, Love Monkey had a dream. He dreamt of a monkey whose smile lit up his sole like sunshine. He held out his heart to her, so radiant, so splendid and so new. She took him in her arms and he felt truly, perfectly, at peace. When Love Monkey awoke he resolved that, from that day forward, he would search for his Dream Monkey until he could stand before her and give to her his perfect heart.

He travelled through deserts…and climbed over mountains. He trekked across forests…and sailed many oceans. Love Monkey looked after his heart as best he could, but the storms that he endured on his travels chipped away at its surface and each new adventure reshaped it. By the time he arrived on the last distant shore, his heart was so changed by the patina of time that it barely resembled his old heart at all.

And then, he saw her. Standing before him, as radiant and as beautiful as the sunshine, was his Dream Monkey. At first the cold not speak. But then, from somewhere deep inside himself, he found a voice. “I have travelled the world over to find you, and to give you my heart,” he said. “But now that I am finally with you, I see how foolish I have been. You are so beautiful, so perfect. And my heart that was once smooth, so bright and so new is now not something that I could even bring myself to show you,” and he turned to go. “Let me see it,” said Dream Monkey. She took his heart and held it up to the light. “Nothing to me is more beautiful. Every fissure tells a story. Every blemish makes you more real. All my life I have been waiting for a heart like this; a heart that speaks the truth.” “Come here,” she said. “I have something for you too.” In her hand was a tiny golden heart. It was as worn and as scratched as Love Monkey’s own…and it was the most precious thing that he had ever seen.

Love Monkey put his arms around her and they held each other for a long, long time. “I shall treasure this heart for as long as I live,” said Dream Monkey, running her fingers over its ridged and dimpled surface. Then they looked into each other’s eyes and, feeling the joy of truth in their souls for the first time, they began to laugh. And often they sit together still, holding each other’s hearts in their warm hands, lifting them to the light…and laughing. Always laughing.

Falling in love is like owning a dog

by Taylor Mali

First of all, it’s a big responsibility, especially in a city like New York [change as appropriate] So think long and hard before deciding on love. On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security: when you’re walking down the street late at night and you have a leash on love ain’t no one going to mess with you. Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable. Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm. It lies between you and lives and breathes and makes funny noises. Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs. It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long. But come home and love is always happy to see you. It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life, but you can never be mad at love for long. Is love good all the time? No! No! Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes. Love leaves you little surprises here and there. Love needs lots of cleaning up after. Sometimes you just want to get love fixed. Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper and swat love on the nose, not so much to cause pain, just to let love know Don’t you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk. Because love loves exercise. It runs you around the block and leaves you panting. It pulls you in several different directions at once, or winds around and around you until you’re all wound up and can’t move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go. People who have nothing in common but love stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back, again, and again, and again. But most of all, love needs love, lots of it. And in return, love loves you and never stops.

Bridled Vows

By Ian Duhig

I will be faithful to you, I do vow

but not until the seas have all run dry

etcetera: although I mean it now,

I’m not a prophet and I will not lie.

To be your perfect wife, I could not swear;

I’ll love, yes; honour (maybe); won’t obey,

but will co-operate if you will care

as much as you are seeming to today.

I’ll do my best to be your better half,

but I don’t have the patience of a saint;

not with you, at you I may sometimes laugh,

and snap too, though I’ll try to learn restraint.

We might work out: no blame if we do not.

With all my heart, I think it’s worth.

To My Valentine – Ogden Nash

More than a catbird hates a cat,

Or a criminal hates a clue,

Or the Axis hates the United States,

That’s how much I love you.

I love you more than a duck can swim,

And more than a grapefruit squirts,

I love you more than a gin rummy is a bore,

And more than a toothache hurts.

As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea,

Or a juggler hates a shove,

As a hostess detests unexpected guests,

That’s how much you I love.

I love you more than a wasp can sting,

And more than the subway jerks,

I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch,

And more than a hangnail irks.

I swear to you by the stars above,

And below, if such there be,

As the High Court loathes perjurious oaths,

That’s how you’re loved by me.

Marriage - Anon

Marriage is about giving and taking

And forging and forsaking

Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving

Caring and sharing and screaming and swearing

About being together whatever the weather

About being driven to the end of your tether

About sweetness and kindness

And wisdom and blindness

It's about being strong when you're feeling quite weak

It's about saying nothing when you're dying to speak

It's about being wrong when you know you are right

It's about giving in, before there's a fight

It's about you two living as cheaply as one

(you can give us a call if you know how that's done!)

Never heeding advice that was always well meant

Never counting the cost until it's all spent

And for you two today it's about to begin

And for all that the two of you had to put in

Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness

Too late you'll discover that marriage is madness.