Ceremonies by Nikki Kulin, Costa Celebrant - Wedding readings
I have chosen 10 funny readings to get you thinking about the types of readings you can choose for your ceremony. Guaranteed to put a smile on your guests faces, they can reflect your personalities and relationship.
I Rely On You by Hovis Presley I rely on you like a camera needs a shutter like a gambler needs a flutter like a golfer needs a putter like a buttered scone involves some butter I rely on you like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve like a hairpin needs a drastic curve like an HGV needs endless derv like an outside left needs a body swerve I rely on you like a handyman needs pliers like an auctioneer needs buyers like a laundromat needs driers like The Good Life needed Richard Briers I rely on you.
What’s Mickey without Minnie?
From manticorethegreat.deviantart.com What’s Mickey without Minnie, Or piglet without pooh, What’s Donald without Daisy? That’s me without you. When Ariel Doesn’t sing, and Pooh hates honey, when Tigger stops bouncing, and Goofy isn’t funny. When Peter Pan can’t fly, and Simba never roars, when Alice no longer fits through small doors. When Dumbo’s ears are small, and happily ever after isn’t true, Even then, I won’t stop loving you.
I’ll Be There For You by Louise Cuddon I’ll be there my darling, through thick and through thin When your mind’s in a mess and your head’s in a spin When your plane’s been delayed, and you’ve missed the last train. When life is just threatening to drive you insane When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page When somebody tells you, you’re looking your age When your coffee’s too cool, and your wine is too warm When the forecast said “Fine”, but you’re out in a storm When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum And your holiday photos show only your thumb When you park for five minutes in a resident’s bay And return to discover you’ve been towed away When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste Just stick on your hips and don’t reach round your waist When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear… When you break a rule, when you act the fool When you’ve got the flu, when you’re in a stew When you’re last in the queue, don’t feel blue ‘cause I’m telling you, I’ll be there.
Love Me by Bee Rawlinson Love me when I’m old and shocking Peel off my elastic stockings Swing me from the chandeliers Let’s be randy bad old dears. Push around my chromed bath chair Let me tease your white chest hair Scaring children, swapping dentures Let us have some great adventures Take me to the dogs and bingo Teach me how to speak the lingo Bone my eels and bring me tea Show me how it’s meant to be Take me to your special places Watching all the puzzled faces You in shorts and socks and sandals Me with warts and huge love-handles As the need for love enthrals Wrestle with my damp proof smalls Make me laugh without constraint Buy me chocolate body paint Hold me safe throughout the night When my hair has turned to white Believe me when I say it’s true I’ve waited all my life for you.
I Wanna Be Yours by John Cooper Clarke I wanna be your vacuum cleaner breathing in your dust I wanna be your Ford Cortina I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot let me be your coffee pot You call the shots I wanna be yours
I wanna be your raincoat for those frequent rainy days I wanna be your dreamboat when you want to sail away
Let me be your teddy bear take me with you anywhere I don’t care I wanna be yours
I wanna be your electric meter I will not run out I wanna be the electric heater you’ll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion hold your hair in deep devotion Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean that’s how deep is my devotion
The gorgeous Irish lilt of this reader was a perfect addition to the ceremony.
Reflect your personalities by adding readings to your wedding ceremony.
He Never Leaves The Seat Up’ by Anon He never leaves the seat up Or wet towels upon the floor The toothpaste has the lid on And he always shuts the door!
She’s very clean and tidy Though she may sometimes delude Leave your things out at your peril In a second they’ll have moved!
He’s a very active person As are all his next of kin Whereas she likes lazy days He’ll still drag her to the gym!
He romances her and dines her Home-cooked dinners and the like He even knows her favourite food And spoils her day and night!
She’s thoughtful when he looks at her A smile upon his face Will he look that good in 50 years When his dentures aren’t in place?!
He says he loves her figure And her mental prowess too But when gravity takes her over Will she charm with her IQ?
She says she loves his kindness And his patience is a must And of course, she thinks he’s handsome Which in her eyes is a plus!
They’re both not wholly perfect But who are we to judge He can be pig-headed Whereas she won’t even budge!
All that said and done They love the time they spent together And I hope as I’m sure you do That this fine day will last forever.
He’ll be more than just her husband He’ll also be her friend And she’ll be more than just his wife She’ll be his soul mate – till the end.
Marriage by Anon
Marriage is about giving and taking And forging and forsaking Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving Caring and sharing and screaming and swearing About being together whatever the weather About being driven to the end of your tether About sweetness and kindness And wisdom and blindness
It’s about being strong when you’re feeling quite weak It’s about saying nothing when you’re dying to speak It’s about being wrong when you know you are right It’s about giving in, before there’s a fight It’s about you two living as cheaply as one (you can give us a call if you know how that’s done!)
Never heeding advice that was always well-meant Never counting the cost until it’s all spent And for you two today it’s about to begin And for all that the two of you had to put in Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness Too late you’ll discover that marriage is madness.
I Like You by Sandol Stoddard Warburg I like you and I know why I like you because you are a good person to like I like you because when I tell you something special, you know it’s special And you remember it a long, long time You say, Remember when you told me something special And both of us remember
When I think something is important you think it’s important too We have good ideas When I say something funny, you laugh I think I’m funny and you think I’m funny too Hah-hah!
I like you because you know where I’m ticklish And you don’t tickle me there except just a little tiny bit sometimes But if you do, then I know where to tickle you too You know how to be silly – that’s why I like you If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag, then you are getting ready to jump HOORAY
I like you because when I am feeling sad You don’t always cheer me up right away Sometimes it is better to be sad You can’t stand the others being so googly and gaggly every single minute You want to think about things It takes time
I like you because if I am mad at you Then you are mad at me too It’s awful when the other person isn’t They are so nice and oooh you could just about punch them on the nose
I can’t remember when I didn’t like you It must have been lonesome then Even if it was the 999th of July Even if it was August Even if it was way down at the bottom of November I would go on choosing you And you would go on choosing me Over and over again And that’s how it would happen every time.
Oh the Places You’ll Go, by Dr. Seuss Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to Great Places! You’re off and away! You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go. You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street. And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air. Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too. Oh! The Places You’ll Go! You’ll be on your way up! You’ll be seeing great sights! You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights. You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest. Except when you don’t. Because, sometimes, you won’t. I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you. You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch. You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump. And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done. You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win? And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind. You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place…for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting. Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting. No! That’s not for you! Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy! Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV. Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t. I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against you. All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot. And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on. But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are. You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.) Kid, you’ll move mountains! So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So…get on your way!
Yes, I’ll Marry You, by Pam Ayres Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear, And here’s the reason why; So I can push you out of bed When the baby starts to cry, And if we hear a knocking And it’s creepy and it’s late, I hand you the torch you see, And you investigate. Yes I’ll marry you, my dear, You may not apprehend it, But when the tumble-drier goes It’s you that has to mend it, You have to face the neighbour Should our labrador attack him, And if a drunkard fondles me It’s you that has to whack him. Yes, I’ll marry you, You’re virile and you’re lean, My house is like a pigsty You can help to keep it clean. That sexy little dinner Which you served by candlelight, As I do chipolatas, You can cook it every night! It’s you who has to work the drill and put up curtain track, And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak, I do see great advantages, But none of them for you, And so before you see the light, I do, I do, I do!
